Chaos-23

I probably should have written this as soon as I got home, as I’ve since had a little sleepy and some lush foods (M&S Sweet Pumpkin and Amaretti Biscuit Ravioli, far nicer than it sounds), I feel less like ranting.

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Why does this keep coming back? I have absolutely no reason to feel so shit, but all I can do right now is cry & get angry at myself.

I go out, fake being happy, then come home wondering what the point of anything is any more. It’s all just darkness and shit.

Wow, how emo am I.

I can only assume this is in some way hormonal/chemical because there really is nothing bad happening to me at the moment. Yes I’m being let down a lot, but what’s new. You can never trust anyone except yourself… and I’m a fucking brilliant liar.

I just reached the epilogue. It’s not just a chapter in my life closing. It’s the end of this particular book.

Chris has a new girlfriend. It’s taken him 3 weeks to finally tell me even though I knew from the start anyway. All the avoiding me shit he does, it’s always for the same reasons. He’s playing it down, saying she doesn’t do commitment, it won’t last more than a few weeks… he’s going to be monogamous though. I know all too well what it means when he plays stuff down. He probably thinks she’s “the one” or some romantic bull like that. From what he’s told me about her I can imagine all his mates are givign him pats on the back now for finally getting someone in the same league as him and not beneath him like me. Makes me feel so special.

I’m angry that people just say “well you knew it was going to happen”… yes eventually I did. I sort of hoped it would take him more than 2 months to get completely over our 6.5yr relationship though! There’s no way I feel ready for someone else yet. I’m also angry at him for saying he avoided me because he wanted to tell me face to face… what, he was waiting ’til we just bumped into each other? I’m that unimportant.

And that’s it really. I am that unimportant. After we split up I told him how alone I felt and how I needed a close friend. He said he’d be that for me. But he can’t be. I will never be as important to him or even in the same league as James, Cheney & Ollie. And I need someone who isn’t going to completely forget I exist when I’m not sat in front of them. He can’t do that for me. Because he doesn’t care about me & never has. And it hurts to finally say that out loud and know how true it is. I thought he’d be my best friend. I really did.

All that shit going on has really taken the shine off the fact that my redundancy was accepted. The offer is almost twice what I expected so I’m definitely taking it. Very scary that as of May 5th I will be unemployed for the first time in almost 12 years. I’d look forward to it if I had friends to spend some time with. I’ll probably just end up going nocturnal and watching lots of TV.

I spent last night at my friend’s house. It was good. We chatted about stuff, I told her what had really been going on for the past few weeks. It felt a relief to finally tell someone. Shame I’d had about 3 hours sleep the night before and I didn’t leave hers til gone 03:00!! I am shattered today. Absolutely dead. The heat hasn’t helped.

I’ve found myself back at this place again. I don’t have any friends. I know people will now appear with “I’m your friend!” and “what? Don’t I count?” so maybe I should clarify it a bit. I have no really close friends, no best friend. Not any more.

All I really have are a bunch of acquaintances, people I see in pubs and occasionally meet on their terms. I can’t just call someone up and say “hey! fancy a drink?” because no-one ever does. Everyone has lives of their own. I don’t feature in anyone’s but my own.

I really miss having someone there that would drop everything to make sure I’m OK. Someone that would stand up for me. Someone I could turn to. I just don’t have that any more. And I haven’t had that for almost 10 years now.

I feel very alone.

I should probably just quit whining and deal with it. But I just can’t see how I can be happy if the rest of my life is meant to be so alone.

I’ve done pretty well so far in not venting my frustration and sadness about ‘the breakup’, but tonight was the last fucking straw.

It is safe to say I did not want to split up. I thought it was worth working at. Chris, however, just couldn’t be bothered. I guess he knew he didn’t love me & had no intention of spending his life with me, so there wasn’t much point in him making any effort.

He still has a drink problem. He still surrounds himself with superficial idiots… but then I think I get why that is now. (Something he said to me the other week is very true. He said “on the surface I’m a really sound bloke, but once you dig deeper I’m a real arsehole.” I guess he likes hanging around with people that will never dig deeper.)

I on the other hand have forced myself to get some hobbies (I am learning BSL - British Sign Language). I have applied for redundancy at work. I’ve even attempted socialising again… although people are the issue with this one.

So really… he couldn’t be arsed to sort his life out for “us”… and he still can’t be arsed to sort it now. This probably means I am best out of it. But in my mind I just know he’ll meet someone that will turn his life around. She’ll be worth doing all this for… and my heart will break all over again…

So, anyway, tonight.

I had a really good day today. I had the day off work. I went into London. I bought lots of fluffy things in Hamleys. I got a second GloomyBear arm from PlayLounge. I wandered around backstreets in Westminster looking at buildings. I saw the Institute of Physics! I met up with Dezzy for a drink. I headed back to Reading. I had some time to kill so went to the Rising…. no-one in there & didn’t get served. Thought sod this, went to the Turks. Walked in, got a drink. Looked about. Saw some people I knew, but no-one to sit with. Then I saw Scunty. Bit weird as Chris, Scunty & Evil Pete were meant to be staying in this weekend. Didn’t expect to see him. Also realised if he was there… it meant Chris was there… Was really good to see Scunty. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. I miss him. He was a good friend once, always made me laugh. Chris walked past, said hello.

Then it happened. I got soundly ignored by everyone else. I mean… for fuck’s sake… WHY?! I have done nothing to them. I haven’t even done anything wrong. Chris dumped me because he didn’t love me. How am I the villain here? Right now I need all the friends I can get. It’s amazing how shitty people treat me when I’m not Chris’ girlfriend. This has happened before when we split up. Then we got back together & everyone was nice to me again. It’s ridiculous! I really can’t see why they’re doing this. These are not all people that I only know through Chris. Some of them I’ve known even longer than I’ve known him.

All I can think of is there’s some rumours going around about me that I haven’t heard yet… be interested to know what they are. Even when Chris cheated on me people acted like I had done something wrong… I hate people. They fucking suck.

…and you don’t wanna know me.

Well that’s how the song goes.

The whole being friends with Chris thing isn’t happening. He says he needs time to adjust to being friends… but I can’t honestly see what else we’ve been for the entire time we’ve known each other. We never had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We hardly ever saw each other let alone spoke to each other.

I keep swaying between being so bitter about all the times he’s let me down, lied to me, used me… and wanting him to call me, to talk to me. To be my friend.

I understand some things now though. I get why he surrounds himself with the superficial fakers. He said to me the other week “on the surface I’m a nice bloke, but underneath it all, I’m really not very nice at all”. And that is SO true. It’s also causing me grief at the moment. Everyone thinks he’s awesome. I can’t say a bad word about him without being told “oh he’ll have had good reason, he’s a really decent bloke”. So he had good reason to cheat on me? He had good reason to lie to me every time he spoke to me? He had good reason to lead me up the garden path for the past 7 years? He had good reason to keep letting me down over & over again? Then, surely… the only way that can be true is if I AM the worthless piece of shit I feel like most days. Little things from the past now are bubbling over and hurting me all over again. His Dad setting him up with other women while I was going out with him… That hurt me so much. He thought it was hilarious. But then I don’t think he cares about my feelings. He is a very selfish person. He will not bend or compromise for anyone. Everyone has to fit in with his life or they get forgotten about. Which is what happened to me.

I am now being reminded on an almost daily basis why I have always said I’d never live with anyone other than a partner.

Moving in with friends is a minefield. They tend not to stay friends for very long. They go from being decent people that are a laugh and just a little weird to becoming caricatures of themselves. Hideous freak shows that are like car-crashes to watch.

For me; if I was paying half of the ISP fees I’d expect full access to the router passwords & also access to the ISP Account details… or I simply would not pay. I certainly wouldn’t pay anything if every item of kit I had was blocked from the router by it’s MAC address. Indeed, what exactly would it be that I was paying for?

This is something that’s angering me quite a bit lately. And no, I still live in my parent’s granny flat so it’s not about me. Someone close though…

It’s got to the point where something should be said. Sadly I’m not very good with words, I’ve heard my punches are a bit on the hard side though…

Why oh why do my arsehole neighbours decide to have parties just as everyone is going back to work?!!?

It’s bad enough being the first day back here without feeling like I’m going to pass out at any second.

…that I don’t understand.

What’s the deal with people putting serious/personal stuff in as public and then stuff like “OMGWTFBBQ I lost a bit of paper!! Oh gnoes!!!!” in as friend’s only?

…

I blame the goths…

Work sucked.

Lots.

I never want to see another bit of Oracle software ever again.

Pissed off.

Grrrrrr….

…

In other news, the fuckwit from DEFRA that’s been pissing me off all week just got sacked! \o/