I was unfortunately in one of the first batches of users to get the new Facebook site enforced. Well I hate it, and regardless of what the people who like it say, it is not because I hate change. It is a giant step backwards in my opinion.

The last feature Facebook introduced was one that I really liked, Live Feed. I much prefer having data updated for me and loathe pressing F5 these days. I think having a BlackBerry for so long has very much made take pushed data for granted. Well thank you so much Mr Facebook for removing that useful feature. If you think I’m going to press F5 all day long you are mistaken. The lack of Live Feed is a deal breaker for me. It’s made Facebook much less appealing. Sure it’s fine to still add friends and I have their status updates on an RSS feed I can read elsewhere, but why would I bother visiting the website now? To be honest an RSS feed of my friends stream would be perfect.

There is another highly annoying change to user’s walls too. Instead of having each action listed in the order they happened, only status updates and wall messages have timestamps. Every other action is lumped together in a block completely out of sync. Making it impossible to look at a wall and see how conversations and actions have taken place. Apparently this makes it look more like Twitter, at first I vehemently disagreed with this, but then realised I wouldn’t really know… Because I hate the Twitter website with a passion and so don’t ever use it!

I’ve gone into my Facebook settings and told it to e-mail me for pretty much everything I’d ever care to know about. I still check my friends updates through RSS or the new TweetDeck. I still have Live Feed on my mobile versions so continue to use that for now. I think ultimately though what I’d really like is a customizable Facebook application, or even a website along the same lines as TweeTree is for Twitter. Whether it would ever happen? I don’t know, but they’re going to have to do something to keep me using their service.

I probably should have written this as soon as I got home, as I’ve since had a little sleepy and some lush foods (M&S Sweet Pumpkin and Amaretti Biscuit Ravioli, far nicer than it sounds), I feel less like ranting.

I spent some time in Reading town centre this weekend. On Saturday lunchtime and Sunday afternoon. I realised there are still an awful lot of people using plastic bags. For years and years my Mum has taken her own bags to the supermarket, I just sort of stopped noticing bag usage. Or maybe I never paid any attention in the first place. I do know it’s only now becoming easier to say “I don’t need a bag thanks”. There have been a number of occasions where I’ve had my canvas bag/rucksack/old plastic bag ready and waiting while the cashier paid no attention and thrust my goods into a new and completely pointless plastic bag. Sometimes I’d take my purchases out and make a big deal of putting them in my own bag. Most often though I’d just sigh and resign myself to getting another future bin liner.

I looked at the people scuttling around, arms laden with plastic. It’s madness! One woman had one of those over-sized handbags that were all the rage last year, it looked almost empty. Yet she had what was probably a eye-shadow and a bottle of perfume in a plastic bag. WHY?! I just don’t get it. Not only is that plastic bag pointless and a symbol of doom, but surely it would be easier to carry just one bag? The more I looked around, the more I felt like the odd one out; having not one, but THREE canvas bags in use. I ended up buying one in Waterstones as even though I’d taken an old plastic bag out with me I realised all my canvas bags are huge and their ones are more conveniently sized. The killer came as I left M&S, a family walked past me loudly declaring their disgust that they’d been charged 5p for a plastic bag! Apparently it’s disgusting as plastic bags should be free, they always were and this particular family would be shopping elsewhere in future. The fact that the goods they bought could have easily fitted inside the mother’s handbag didn’t even cross their tiny little minds. I despaired. Openly. They glared. Good, it proves they heard me.

I’m sure reading ‘Crap At The Environment‘ has had an influence on me noticing these things. I chuckled when reading about Mark’s tussles with Kevin at the checkout. The idea of counting how many “I don’t need a bag thank you”s in a day was something I’d already done myself! I don’t want to come across as preachy here as I’m as guilty of plastic ownership as the next person. I have a whole host of Vinyl figures for a start. However, I am a total hoarder and this makes it slightly easier to justify as I try to save my plastic treasures from ever going to landfills. I even take discarded disposable lighters just so they don’t end up floating around Midway. Instead they float around in a box on my floor. I haven’t noticed any dead waterfowl around them though… yet.

For a short while I tried to influence my friends; get them to buy refillable lighters, use their bags instead of plastic carriers. I’ve given up now. It seems that those who care are already doing something and those who don’t care can’t be made to care. Unfortunately much as the apple-haters are now more fanboyistically annoying than the original Apple-ites, being anti-environmentalist is the new cool I often hear the younger generations claiming it all to be nonsense, why should they care anyway, it’s all going to happen long after they’re gone. I simply cannot understand this viewpoint. I want to scream at them “BUT IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING!” I know they’d take no notice though, declaring me a tree-hugger and sneering. They should also learn that once things start to change they can do so at an unimaginable rate.

While I’m on the subject of such things, if anyone knows where I can buy (wholesale) biodegradable packaging for the jewellery I make please let me know! UK based is best. Thanks!

Click here to view the embedded video.

There’s an update to my previous post about my credit card woes. I still haven’t had the amount credited back to me. While I have just been re-assured again that I won’t have to pay, I don’t like that amount sitting on my card for so long. It means my limit is far too close. An emergency now would be disastrous.

However, it would appear I now have the address of the ****s who used my card. They share my surname, so it seems as though my details could well have been sold to them. What makes me really, really angry to the point of my blood boiling though… is that they are clearly better off than me. So why not use your own money you evil, thieving bastards!

http://www.millsproductions.co.uk/

This is the woman whose name is on the invoice I’ve just received from dabs.com

http://www.millsproductions.co.uk/clare-mills.shtml

She doesn’t look like an internet criminal, she looks like my techno-phobe mother. Looks can be deceiving.

I’ve had a bad few days. Pretty much everything has gone wrong.

Thursday night I realised I had a few missed calls on my phone and a voicemail, it was my credit card company. Checked on-line and there was a pending amount of about £2k. I haven’t had a job since May and so was 100% sure I hadn’t bought anything. So, phoned them, they asked if I’d purchased some AEIS GiftCheques… err… no, what are they? (I have looked them up since and so know what they are). Also, had I spent £2k at dabs… No. Shit, not again. I had my card in front of me and only ever use it on-line so this must have been from the silly little bits of software I’d bought for my phone. Last time this happened it was from buying software for my Mac. Anyway, got my card cancelled, those charges denied and the police called.

Then the whole GH:III farce. Play said they dispatched mine about a day before my friends ones. Yet all theirs turned up Friday. Mine didn’t. It was sent via ParcelFarce so there’s not even any decent tracking (it generally only updates when you’ve signed for it). So I phoned ParcelFarce… and spent ages on the phone repeating the tracking reference over and over before giving up and having to speak to a real person. Looks like it vanished into the ether. So, much angry crying later, I was given the option to borrow a friends one. You see, I couldn’t even tell Play not to send me another and to refund my card because – YES! My credit card was cancelled so nothing could be refunded to it. Grrrr…

Anyhoo, I don’t know happened but now I have another copy winging its way to me. Yay!

For those who know of Nibbler on Lack-of.org I feel a public announcement is in order:

He gets nearly all his links from me you know! Do I ever get any credit, do I fu…

So now everyone knows, well, the 3 of you who read this do anyway.

Why does this keep coming back? I have absolutely no reason to feel so shit, but all I can do right now is cry & get angry at myself.

I go out, fake being happy, then come home wondering what the point of anything is any more. It’s all just darkness and shit.

Wow, how emo am I.

I can only assume this is in some way hormonal/chemical because there really is nothing bad happening to me at the moment. Yes I’m being let down a lot, but what’s new. You can never trust anyone except yourself… and I’m a fucking brilliant liar.

I just reached the epilogue. It’s not just a chapter in my life closing. It’s the end of this particular book.

Chris has a new girlfriend. It’s taken him 3 weeks to finally tell me even though I knew from the start anyway. All the avoiding me shit he does, it’s always for the same reasons. He’s playing it down, saying she doesn’t do commitment, it won’t last more than a few weeks… he’s going to be monogamous though. I know all too well what it means when he plays stuff down. He probably thinks she’s “the one” or some romantic bull like that. From what he’s told me about her I can imagine all his mates are givign him pats on the back now for finally getting someone in the same league as him and not beneath him like me. Makes me feel so special.

I’m angry that people just say “well you knew it was going to happen”… yes eventually I did. I sort of hoped it would take him more than 2 months to get completely over our 6.5yr relationship though! There’s no way I feel ready for someone else yet. I’m also angry at him for saying he avoided me because he wanted to tell me face to face… what, he was waiting ’til we just bumped into each other? I’m that unimportant.

And that’s it really. I am that unimportant. After we split up I told him how alone I felt and how I needed a close friend. He said he’d be that for me. But he can’t be. I will never be as important to him or even in the same league as James, Cheney & Ollie. And I need someone who isn’t going to completely forget I exist when I’m not sat in front of them. He can’t do that for me. Because he doesn’t care about me & never has. And it hurts to finally say that out loud and know how true it is. I thought he’d be my best friend. I really did.

All that shit going on has really taken the shine off the fact that my redundancy was accepted. The offer is almost twice what I expected so I’m definitely taking it. Very scary that as of May 5th I will be unemployed for the first time in almost 12 years. I’d look forward to it if I had friends to spend some time with. I’ll probably just end up going nocturnal and watching lots of TV.

I spent last night at my friend’s house. It was good. We chatted about stuff, I told her what had really been going on for the past few weeks. It felt a relief to finally tell someone. Shame I’d had about 3 hours sleep the night before and I didn’t leave hers til gone 03:00!! I am shattered today. Absolutely dead. The heat hasn’t helped.

I’ve found myself back at this place again. I don’t have any friends. I know people will now appear with “I’m your friend!” and “what? Don’t I count?” so maybe I should clarify it a bit. I have no really close friends, no best friend. Not any more.

All I really have are a bunch of acquaintances, people I see in pubs and occasionally meet on their terms. I can’t just call someone up and say “hey! fancy a drink?” because no-one ever does. Everyone has lives of their own. I don’t feature in anyone’s but my own.

I really miss having someone there that would drop everything to make sure I’m OK. Someone that would stand up for me. Someone I could turn to. I just don’t have that any more. And I haven’t had that for almost 10 years now.

I feel very alone.

I should probably just quit whining and deal with it. But I just can’t see how I can be happy if the rest of my life is meant to be so alone.

I’ve done pretty well so far in not venting my frustration and sadness about ‘the breakup’, but tonight was the last fucking straw.

It is safe to say I did not want to split up. I thought it was worth working at. Chris, however, just couldn’t be bothered. I guess he knew he didn’t love me & had no intention of spending his life with me, so there wasn’t much point in him making any effort.

He still has a drink problem. He still surrounds himself with superficial idiots… but then I think I get why that is now. (Something he said to me the other week is very true. He said “on the surface I’m a really sound bloke, but once you dig deeper I’m a real arsehole.” I guess he likes hanging around with people that will never dig deeper.)

I on the other hand have forced myself to get some hobbies (I am learning BSL – British Sign Language). I have applied for redundancy at work. I’ve even attempted socialising again… although people are the issue with this one.

So really… he couldn’t be arsed to sort his life out for “us”… and he still can’t be arsed to sort it now. This probably means I am best out of it. But in my mind I just know he’ll meet someone that will turn his life around. She’ll be worth doing all this for… and my heart will break all over again…

So, anyway, tonight.

I had a really good day today. I had the day off work. I went into London. I bought lots of fluffy things in Hamleys. I got a second GloomyBear arm from PlayLounge. I wandered around backstreets in Westminster looking at buildings. I saw the Institute of Physics! I met up with Dezzy for a drink. I headed back to Reading. I had some time to kill so went to the Rising…. no-one in there & didn’t get served. Thought sod this, went to the Turks. Walked in, got a drink. Looked about. Saw some people I knew, but no-one to sit with. Then I saw Scunty. Bit weird as Chris, Scunty & Evil Pete were meant to be staying in this weekend. Didn’t expect to see him. Also realised if he was there… it meant Chris was there… Was really good to see Scunty. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. I miss him. He was a good friend once, always made me laugh. Chris walked past, said hello.

Then it happened. I got soundly ignored by everyone else. I mean… for fuck’s sake… WHY?! I have done nothing to them. I haven’t even done anything wrong. Chris dumped me because he didn’t love me. How am I the villain here? Right now I need all the friends I can get. It’s amazing how shitty people treat me when I’m not Chris’ girlfriend. This has happened before when we split up. Then we got back together & everyone was nice to me again. It’s ridiculous! I really can’t see why they’re doing this. These are not all people that I only know through Chris. Some of them I’ve known even longer than I’ve known him.

All I can think of is there’s some rumours going around about me that I haven’t heard yet… be interested to know what they are. Even when Chris cheated on me people acted like I had done something wrong… I hate people. They fucking suck.

…and you don’t wanna know me.

Well that’s how the song goes.

The whole being friends with Chris thing isn’t happening. He says he needs time to adjust to being friends… but I can’t honestly see what else we’ve been for the entire time we’ve known each other. We never had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We hardly ever saw each other let alone spoke to each other.

I keep swaying between being so bitter about all the times he’s let me down, lied to me, used me… and wanting him to call me, to talk to me. To be my friend.

I understand some things now though. I get why he surrounds himself with the superficial fakers. He said to me the other week “on the surface I’m a nice bloke, but underneath it all, I’m really not very nice at all”. And that is SO true. It’s also causing me grief at the moment. Everyone thinks he’s awesome. I can’t say a bad word about him without being told “oh he’ll have had good reason, he’s a really decent bloke”. So he had good reason to cheat on me? He had good reason to lie to me every time he spoke to me? He had good reason to lead me up the garden path for the past 7 years? He had good reason to keep letting me down over & over again? Then, surely… the only way that can be true is if I AM the worthless piece of shit I feel like most days. Little things from the past now are bubbling over and hurting me all over again. His Dad setting him up with other women while I was going out with him… That hurt me so much. He thought it was hilarious. But then I don’t think he cares about my feelings. He is a very selfish person. He will not bend or compromise for anyone. Everyone has to fit in with his life or they get forgotten about. Which is what happened to me.