Chaos-23

Wishing my knee would stop hurting.

Hoping tonight will be as funny as last Friday.

Wondering when I’ll stop being so bored.

Still laughing about Cravendale…. so wrong…

Listening to Rico… a lot…

For the first night in a few weeks I have a had a good night out. Muchos thanks to Kev, Nik, Matt & Mikey. I managed to get rather wasted and not think about all the shitty stuff for an entire evening.

I can also now remember the benefits of being out from 18:00

AND I managed to not be a freak magnet. Woo!

Now I am not tired in the slightest, so will be watching lots of Mitchell & Webb and talking on IRC. <3 geekiness.

Getting excited about signing off my redundancy forms!

Nothing makes sense anymore. I don&apos;t know who I am. This can’t be me anymore. Am I really the person leaving their secure job to do god knows what? Am I really the person getting their first passport? Am I really the person booking holidays?

This isn’t me. I’ll wake up soon.

I probably shouldn’t have stayed out drinking tonight. I need sleeeeeep!

I just reached the epilogue. It’s not just a chapter in my life closing. It’s the end of this particular book.

Chris has a new girlfriend. It’s taken him 3 weeks to finally tell me even though I knew from the start anyway. All the avoiding me shit he does, it’s always for the same reasons. He’s playing it down, saying she doesn’t do commitment, it won’t last more than a few weeks… he’s going to be monogamous though. I know all too well what it means when he plays stuff down. He probably thinks she’s “the one” or some romantic bull like that. From what he’s told me about her I can imagine all his mates are givign him pats on the back now for finally getting someone in the same league as him and not beneath him like me. Makes me feel so special.

I’m angry that people just say “well you knew it was going to happen”… yes eventually I did. I sort of hoped it would take him more than 2 months to get completely over our 6.5yr relationship though! There’s no way I feel ready for someone else yet. I’m also angry at him for saying he avoided me because he wanted to tell me face to face… what, he was waiting ’til we just bumped into each other? I’m that unimportant.

And that’s it really. I am that unimportant. After we split up I told him how alone I felt and how I needed a close friend. He said he’d be that for me. But he can’t be. I will never be as important to him or even in the same league as James, Cheney & Ollie. And I need someone who isn’t going to completely forget I exist when I’m not sat in front of them. He can’t do that for me. Because he doesn’t care about me & never has. And it hurts to finally say that out loud and know how true it is. I thought he’d be my best friend. I really did.

All that shit going on has really taken the shine off the fact that my redundancy was accepted. The offer is almost twice what I expected so I’m definitely taking it. Very scary that as of May 5th I will be unemployed for the first time in almost 12 years. I’d look forward to it if I had friends to spend some time with. I’ll probably just end up going nocturnal and watching lots of TV.

I spent last night at my friend’s house. It was good. We chatted about stuff, I told her what had really been going on for the past few weeks. It felt a relief to finally tell someone. Shame I’d had about 3 hours sleep the night before and I didn’t leave hers til gone 03:00!! I am shattered today. Absolutely dead. The heat hasn’t helped.

Getting ready for the Clutch gig tonight