Chaos-23

I’ve been depressed again the last couple of days. No real reason for it at all. I just want a big hug and to be told everything will be OK.

My weekends right now are awesome, fun-packed. But the weeks… the weeks are bad. It’s getting worse. I know this is just because I’m leaving work. I am getting home stressed, managing to claw back some semblance of happiness by using every Sanctuary Spa product I can find and plonking myself down next to my uber nice TV.

Last night that just didn’t work. I found myself getting a headache and getting to sleep just wasn’t happening. I still have the headache today. I hope this cloud clears. I have no real reason to feel so rubbish :o(

Add to that the fact that PodPads for this years Latitude are a whopping £399.95… even with the £50 refundable deposit… err no thanks! Which means camping alone. I hate camping. I hate tents. And I also hate the fact that the tent is not lockable or in the VIP area like the PodPads. But I just can’t afford to spend £500 just for a festival. Looks like this won’t be such a great festival for me after all. Lugging a tent all that way was not my plan.

Anyhoo, I have a headache still… but I’ve bought looooads more Sanctuary Kyphi stuff. I shall get home tonight and block it all out.

The past weekend it has to be said, was pretty fucking good. Sunday had a bit of an “arghhh!” moment, but once I calmed down things worked out cool.

Saw 300. It’s a good film, but it’s also an awful film. For pretty fight scenes it’s great. For dialogue and un-cheezeyness… it’s rubbish! I pissed myself through most of it as the dialogue was cringe-worthy. It’s good as mindless entertainment though.

Also went to The Oakford Social to see Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip. I am really getting to like the Oakford. Shame the drinks are soooo expensive, but it does seem to keep most of the riff-raff out. The music is also really good.

What can I say about Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip…. AWESOME! Absolutely fucking ace! We ended up having really cool seats. We watched through a cubby-hole right next to the stage from a comfy leather sofa :oD I’m definitely going to try and catch them at Plug n Play in April. Really, really fun to go and see. And still such nice lads :o)

Any Reading people going to the Oakford on Sunday?

It’s really weird how the one thing you spend so long fearing the most. The one thing that keeps you awake at night, terrified. Is actually the one thing that makes everything better.

Things are still far from perfect, but I think something just opened up a whole new possibility. Something that hadn’t really been thought of before. I hope it stays good. Fingers crossed.

The ’spoon’ thing really disturbs me…

http://www.randomsalad.com/go/how-to-wipe-your-ass/

I’ve done pretty well so far in not venting my frustration and sadness about ‘the breakup’, but tonight was the last fucking straw.

It is safe to say I did not want to split up. I thought it was worth working at. Chris, however, just couldn’t be bothered. I guess he knew he didn’t love me & had no intention of spending his life with me, so there wasn’t much point in him making any effort.

He still has a drink problem. He still surrounds himself with superficial idiots… but then I think I get why that is now. (Something he said to me the other week is very true. He said “on the surface I’m a really sound bloke, but once you dig deeper I’m a real arsehole.” I guess he likes hanging around with people that will never dig deeper.)

I on the other hand have forced myself to get some hobbies (I am learning BSL - British Sign Language). I have applied for redundancy at work. I’ve even attempted socialising again… although people are the issue with this one.

So really… he couldn’t be arsed to sort his life out for “us”… and he still can’t be arsed to sort it now. This probably means I am best out of it. But in my mind I just know he’ll meet someone that will turn his life around. She’ll be worth doing all this for… and my heart will break all over again…

So, anyway, tonight.

I had a really good day today. I had the day off work. I went into London. I bought lots of fluffy things in Hamleys. I got a second GloomyBear arm from PlayLounge. I wandered around backstreets in Westminster looking at buildings. I saw the Institute of Physics! I met up with Dezzy for a drink. I headed back to Reading. I had some time to kill so went to the Rising…. no-one in there & didn’t get served. Thought sod this, went to the Turks. Walked in, got a drink. Looked about. Saw some people I knew, but no-one to sit with. Then I saw Scunty. Bit weird as Chris, Scunty & Evil Pete were meant to be staying in this weekend. Didn’t expect to see him. Also realised if he was there… it meant Chris was there… Was really good to see Scunty. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. I miss him. He was a good friend once, always made me laugh. Chris walked past, said hello.

Then it happened. I got soundly ignored by everyone else. I mean… for fuck’s sake… WHY?! I have done nothing to them. I haven’t even done anything wrong. Chris dumped me because he didn’t love me. How am I the villain here? Right now I need all the friends I can get. It’s amazing how shitty people treat me when I’m not Chris’ girlfriend. This has happened before when we split up. Then we got back together & everyone was nice to me again. It’s ridiculous! I really can’t see why they’re doing this. These are not all people that I only know through Chris. Some of them I’ve known even longer than I’ve known him.

All I can think of is there’s some rumours going around about me that I haven’t heard yet… be interested to know what they are. Even when Chris cheated on me people acted like I had done something wrong… I hate people. They fucking suck.