Stuff

…and you don’t wanna know me.

Well that’s how the song goes.

The whole being friends with Chris thing isn’t happening. He says he needs time to adjust to being friends… but I can’t honestly see what else we’ve been for the entire time we’ve known each other. We never had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We hardly ever saw each other let alone spoke to each other.

I keep swaying between being so bitter about all the times he’s let me down, lied to me, used me… and wanting him to call me, to talk to me. To be my friend.

I understand some things now though. I get why he surrounds himself with the superficial fakers. He said to me the other week “on the surface I’m a nice bloke, but underneath it all, I’m really not very nice at all”. And that is SO true. It’s also causing me grief at the moment. Everyone thinks he’s awesome. I can’t say a bad word about him without being told “oh he’ll have had good reason, he’s a really decent bloke”. So he had good reason to cheat on me? He had good reason to lie to me every time he spoke to me? He had good reason to lead me up the garden path for the past 7 years? He had good reason to keep letting me down over & over again? Then, surely… the only way that can be true is if I AM the worthless piece of shit I feel like most days. Little things from the past now are bubbling over and hurting me all over again. His Dad setting him up with other women while I was going out with him… That hurt me so much. He thought it was hilarious. But then I don’t think he cares about my feelings. He is a very selfish person. He will not bend or compromise for anyone. Everyone has to fit in with his life or they get forgotten about. Which is what happened to me.