Chaos-23

Yesterday things were looking up. I had my Wii, I’d made a cake, I had a day off work, I had plans for the weekend. Most importantly though, I’d been offered redundancy at work.

I’ve been on TUPE since I started with IBM because I knew redundancies were coming up and the Civil Service package is double that of the IBM package. It’s 1 month pay for every year worked. I have been stuck in this shit-hole for 11 years. So that was looking to a be a pretty sweet deal.

I talked it over with my folks, even got them to see that with that kind of money in the bank I could afford some time between jobs to relax & then to take on a job that didn’t pay so great, but was something I enjoyed.

…

Then today I went back to work. I find in my Lotus Notes inbox an e-mail from our Union. It seems they didn’t have time to negotiate anything. So even though I am still on Civil Service Terms & Conditions…. I am only able to take the IBM offer, with no negotiation. Whilst it is better than leaving with nothing I am absolutely devastated to be losing out on that much money. It is the difference between madly scrambling for another horrible job and spending some time to relax.

And it leaves me wondering what the fuck did I stay on TUPE for exactly?! The redundancy package was the only benefit we had. And they’ve taken that away from us. So much for Unions. They are pointless.

I have spent all morning in tears. I can see this being carried on right through the weekend… probably to the end of my fucking pathetic life.

OK, I really couldn’t think of a good title.

The Wii arrived at about 20:00 last night. I was shocked! GoGo Amazon.

Spent a while setting it up, downloading the updates, linking my Nintendo account (grrr for forgetting which e-mail account I’d used waaay back when I got a GameCube).

Only now do I realise TVersity doesn’t work with the Wii yet. Bugger. Oh well, looks like they are planning to get it working. If not I’ll just have to make use of the drops in Xbox 360 prices.

…and you don’t wanna know me.

Well that’s how the song goes.

The whole being friends with Chris thing isn’t happening. He says he needs time to adjust to being friends… but I can’t honestly see what else we’ve been for the entire time we’ve known each other. We never had a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We hardly ever saw each other let alone spoke to each other.

I keep swaying between being so bitter about all the times he’s let me down, lied to me, used me… and wanting him to call me, to talk to me. To be my friend.

I understand some things now though. I get why he surrounds himself with the superficial fakers. He said to me the other week “on the surface I’m a nice bloke, but underneath it all, I’m really not very nice at all”. And that is SO true. It’s also causing me grief at the moment. Everyone thinks he’s awesome. I can’t say a bad word about him without being told “oh he’ll have had good reason, he’s a really decent bloke”. So he had good reason to cheat on me? He had good reason to lie to me every time he spoke to me? He had good reason to lead me up the garden path for the past 7 years? He had good reason to keep letting me down over & over again? Then, surely… the only way that can be true is if I AM the worthless piece of shit I feel like most days. Little things from the past now are bubbling over and hurting me all over again. His Dad setting him up with other women while I was going out with him… That hurt me so much. He thought it was hilarious. But then I don’t think he cares about my feelings. He is a very selfish person. He will not bend or compromise for anyone. Everyone has to fit in with his life or they get forgotten about. Which is what happened to me.

So… now that I have lots more time to sit around my house and mope (if you hadn’t heard, yeah he dumped me again. Once more with no real reason other than he’s bored. AND once again on the same weekend of the year. Nice.) I figured I need something to take my mind off things.

I can’t go out, cos Reading sucks. All I ever hear is how great Chris is, well he didn’t treat me too well, so pardon me if I don’t worship him like everyone else.

I finally bought myself a Wii. Annoyingly I know I am still going to want the black one that plays DVDs… so this one may get sold in the Summer, but hey, I’ll still use it for now.

The next item on my list is a NAS box. I have a spare 400GB drive. I’m planning on setting that up with rips of allllll my DVDs, then mapping a drive to it from my media server and having allllll of my media available on my media player in my room. I also heard that the Wii works with TVersity… which is handy cos I have that on my media server too. Looks like I can start watching all my stuff on my living room TV too. Yay!