Chaos-23

…isn’t healing.

I still can’t do this. It just feels like the wrong thing to do.

I hope he’s happy he’s ruined my life and taken the last bit of me that cared.

There’s not even friendship there now. The last 8 years wasted.

If I manage to not kill myself I deserve a fucking medal. The amount of times I’ve already been here, being strong just has no point if I’m going to end up down here all the time.

After telling me he wanted me… he told me we would never ever work. Ever.

It’s too much to take in.

I don’t want to accept it. So I won’t.

I am destined to not do this ever again. I can’t. Being happy has never come easily to me. Apparently that means I’m alone.

It’s worse.

Not better.

I feel worse now than I did at the weekend.

There’s nothing of me left.

All I used to do at work to get me through the day was wait for Chris’ messages on the message board. Now there aren’t any. I’m sitting watching an e-mail account that never receives any mail.

Last week, before the dramas, I was playing around with my old SiPix Stylecam Deluxe (awful, but cheap digicam).

I removed this pesky blighter:

and made the fields look all icy & funny:

The quality’s not very good, but neither is the camera. Fun to play with anyhow.

Meant to say before , but I found this last week.

It made me laugh. I believe that was the weekend you & Kris stayed at the “haunted” Mill and you dared me to scratch your back in Forbury. Bloody kids.

I found lots of me at 14/15/19 & 2 as well. And one of you in your suit where you had a spazzy leg.

I can be emo with tha rest of yous

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I would’ve invited Chris ’round tonight.

That’s going to make sitting in a dark house all alone even fucking worse

I’m starting to believe this is more like last time we split up and that he’s cheated on me & seeing someone else. It was just too quick again. It took him only a few hours to dismiss almost 6 years. Last time that was because he’d been shagging that old goth. I feel stupid for being faithful for so long.

It’s all gone very wrong.

I’m more alone than ever now.